Special Series: Journey of Recovery – Interview with Calvin Gone

The Journey of Recovery interview series highlights the stories of Montanans with lived experiences of trauma, substance use and mental health struggles and who are on the path of recovery. These interviews share how people can move forward and empower others to do the same.

In this episode, Mountain Pacific’s Sarah Byrnes talks with Calvin Gone to discuss his experience with substance use, his recovery journey and how he is helping others find hope for a better tomorrow. 

Transcript

Sarah Byrnes: 0:00

Announcer, one chapter does not define a person's whole story. Welcome to our journey of recovery series where we talk with Montanans who have lived experience of trauma, substance use and struggles with mental health, about where they are now the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, or SAMHSA defines recovery as a process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self directed life and strive to reach their full potential. Join us to learn about community members in recovery as they share their story and the steps they are taking to help others on their journey. I'm I'm excited about this whole project, so, yeah, so why don't, if you don't mind, go ahead and introduce yourself. Let us know a little bit about you.

Calvin Gone: 0:54

My name is Calvin Gone the third I'm a Ani and Omaha tribal member. My dad's from Fort Belknap, and my mother's from Mason, Nebraska. And I reside in Great Falls, Montana right now. I've been here for 13, and a half years. My folks and my my siblings, they all live in Nebraska. I am the student ambassador at Montana State University, great college of Great Falls. Okay, also, I also work at the Indigenous Education Department for the Great Falls public schools as a youth development specialist. So those are my two jobs, part time. I just graduated. I just got my degree in AA degree in substance use counseling, Saturday. Oh,

Sarah Byrnes: 1:41

Oh, congratulations.

Calvin Gone: 1:43

I'm 48 years old and been an active. I was in active addiction for 22 years. I was 34 year when I decided to change my life. I like watching football, basketball. I also like powwows. I'm also a Native American singer. I like powwows and brown dances and hand games. Oh, great. So yeah, I like, I like doing a lot of those activities, um, cultural stuff.

Sarah Byrnes: 2:20

What would you say your long term plans or goals are

Calvin Gone: 2:24

my land. My long term plan or goals would be, I want to be a counselor to give back to other addicts and alcoholics that are coming into recovery and newly coming in recovery, hopefully I can give back was freely given to me, and and just be like a like a beacon of hope, I guess, you know, yeah, because somebody was there for me when I came in and helped me, guided me along, and gave me some hope that I didn't have in the beginning. And so I guess this is my purpose. It's my passion to to give back and help others. Since I've been on this path, you know,

Sarah Byrnes: 3:10

That's fantastic to give back once, especially because you received it and you want to give back, that sounds great. So when people learn about your lived experience and recovery. What kind of reactions do you see?

Calvin Gone: 3:22

You know, honestly, I never really thought about that question. Yeah, so I don't really know, but I know that a lot of people that knew me back in my addiction are thankful that and and glad that I don't use no more. Yeah, absolutely, I know that, and it and it's the and it's the, what do you call it? It's like a testament of who I am today, because back then, no one really wanted me around. And now today, I have tons of friends and family that just look to me for guidance. I don't give advice. Only reason why I don't give advice is because, if it doesn't work, they have someone to blame. So I do give my little experiences that that that, hopefully, that they can find a direction they need to go in. You know, I can just give them similar experiences that I had.

Sarah Byrnes: 4:26

Well, it sounds like you have a great support system, and you're providing a good support system, so it's going both ways there. That's awesome. What do you what do you think people should know about someone who's in recovery, like, what would, what was your What did you tell somebody, or what was the one thing you think they should know about someone in recovery? Like, is there any time? I know some people walk on eggshells when they find out they're not sure what to say.

Calvin Gone: 4:58

I would probably. I. Have to say, like, I guess doing judge them. You know, that's a big thing, you know, because we don't know what people dealt with in their past to become addict or alcoholic. You know, some people live hard lives, but never really shared what what happened to them, or what they've been through. And so they chose a different path at that time, and maybe it was to numb, numb out or escape. And then one day, finally get into recovery, they're trying to find out who they are. Because, you know, in my own experience, I didn't know who I really was, you know, I mean, I had a lot of good teachings growing up, but I wasn't living up to those teachings, and so I was had a lot of guilt and shame that kept me out there, but until I started coming into recovery and getting clean off the drugs and alcohol, I was able to clear my mind a little bit so where I can grasp some, some things to to know that, you know, not, not that I didn't know I was living a, not a Good way, but to help me see that, you know, that's not the life I need. You know, right? And so someone coming in recovery, I probably just say, share a little show them a little grace, because, you know, they're very fragile. When someone in recovery comes in recovery, they're very fragile, and they're very sensitive. So like they're trying to get they're trying to find a new way of life, but if someone like treats them differently or or negatively, that could also jeopardize the recovery, and they they go back because they're like, well, what's the point? Then you know so and sometimes you know it's not like trying to baby them or anything. It's just trying to help them out, and they have to find that accountability for themselves, and once they do, I think that opens a lot of doors for them, because in my own experiences, I blamed everybody before I came to recovery, you know, it was all their fault. It wasn't none of mine. And I just because I couldn't see my side of the street, I couldn't see my faults, you know, until I was able to clear my mind in Kate direction, which was really hard,

Sarah Byrnes: 7:41

yeah, I was gonna say going to recovery must be extremely difficult. I mean, that's a sigh of strength. Just say, hey, I need help. That's a huge, huge thing, I'm sure. I mean, just from my experience with other things, but, yeah, just trying to change your life, that's a huge decision.

Calvin Gone: 7:59

Yeah, because an addict and alcohol, they never alcoholic, they don't really ask for help, you know, and a lot of times it's, it's because they don't want to look stupid or, you know, look weak or whatever. That's kind of how I looked at it. But it's huge when someone that's struggling with addiction asks for help and and for me, being on this side now walking in my journey, that's my part to give back and say, okay, you know what? Let's do what we can to find you some help, or let's, let's guide you in the right direction.

Sarah Byrnes: 8:34

Yeah, were there any recovery services or specific ones anyway, that you benefit from, or any specific ones that you felt were most helpful?

Calvin Gone: 8:47

Well, yeah, oh yeah, there's a few, like outpatient or inpatient was one of them, because, like, there was no way that I could get clean and sober without being somewhere where I had to have that, I went to treatment for 37 days. So it took 37 days to like, break that hold that the alcohol addiction had on me and the drug addiction, you know, if I didn't have that, I don't think I'd have been able to succeed, you know. But in that was 37 days, I was able to try to find, or do my best to find what was ailing me inside, you know, my core issues. You know, in there, I was able to process, because we had a lot of counselors, treatment assistants and speakers that would come in. So they were like giving us education on on this, on the addiction and stuff and alcohol. And I think that was very important for me. Lot of is because. As you know, I controlled my own life for years, and I didn't. I didn't do very well controlling it because I didn't have a higher power, I guess they call it, because I'm, you know, I didn't have time to pray out there. But I know, like, like, when I've got into inpatient, it was like, the spiritual experience. Yeah, I had to find some mouse that would help me along, like a power grader myself. And once I was able to open that, open my eyes to that, and actually given a given a shot, you know, given it a try, I was able to find that power grain myself, even though it wasn't like, you know, I can't see it, you know. But an old timer, when I was in treatment, I would we, they would take us out to outside meetings. And this old timer, I was like, I'm struggling with the higher power. I mean, I I've been spiritual all my life because I'm Native American. I'm born into spirituality, you know, and I done a lot of stuff growing up, sweat lodges and stuff like that, and praying. But when I was out there using I never prayed, I never really had the time, you know, it wasn't a it wasn't a priority. I was telling this old timer. I was like, I don't know. I don't know how to find that, you know. I know, I know it's there, but I just don't know how. And then he told me, and that the treatment center where I was at had a deck on the back where you can go smoke cigarettes, you know. And that's pretty much what you could do in treatment, you know. So I went, I went out there, and he said, Yeah, I just sat on the deck back there. And he said, if when they hit wind hits your face, he said, you can't see it, but you can feel it, and that's a power grading yourself. And that made like a huge sense, because I'm, like, a hands on C person, you know, yeah. And so when he explained it that way, made total sense, you know. That really helped me in my journey to, um, to find my higher power.

Sarah Byrnes: 12:01

That sounds powerful. So thank you for sharing that. Yeah, and you said people came in and spoke. Were there any people who work currently, or are still currently in recovery, who came and spoke when you were at that treatment center?

Calvin Gone: 12:15

Oh, yeah, there is, there's, well, there was a native guy he came in, who big call native guy, and he's, he shared his story, and man, like, it's like, he instilled hope in me because he was native, but also, like, I think at the time he might have had, like, I want to say 16 years, consecutively clean or sober, and he shared a story, and I was just like, wow. I was like, okay, you know, maybe I can do this, you know, and just by listening to him, and he actually became one of my my one of my good friends today, he's still one of my good friends. I think he just celebrated 29 years, and fantastic. Yeah, so he's still in my life today. I didn't know him till he came into treatment center and spoke, and I met him, met him there, and then we just became friends after that. And he's still in my life today, and he still gives me guidance in my journey.

Sarah Byrnes: 13:20

That sounds really impactful. That's amazing. Thank you for sharing that. What advice would you give, or would you say if you don't want to give a specific recommendation to someone who's looking at potentially getting into recovery?

Calvin Gone: 13:35

Well, if they're thinking about recovery, then you know maybe it wasn't. It's not so good out there right now what they're doing. So I would probably say, you know, give yourself a chance. Yeah, you know, take a chance on yourself, you know, because, like I said, it's not easy to ask for help when you're out there running and gunning and people look down on you, or judge you, or, you know, you do a lot of damage when you're out there using in so it's not very easy for people to say, Oh, you want help right now. Okay, we can help you. You know, it's not that easy. Because who you know, you probably burned a lot of bridges to that at that point. You know, I guess what I would probably say is, I would share with them, is that, are you tired of living the way you're living, and are you tired of what you're feeling? And if you are, then let's go get you some help, because in that point, in that instant, they're willing to do whatever it takes to try something different, but do something different. I don't like that word try. I said it a couple times. I never, hardly ever say it to you, but do something different. You know, you know, we tried all our life and never got anywhere where we have to do it by action. We got to do it to take action.

Sarah Byrnes: 14:53

Were there any Did you have any difficulties finding recovery services that you needed? Yeah. Or how difficult was it for you to get those services?

Calvin Gone: 15:03

Actually, it wasn't really difficult when I came into the program, because I was 2011 when I got clean and sober, and the recovery service that did help me. I went to inpatient, then right after inpatient, I I signed up for a sober living house, you know, halfway house, and all over like Montana and Wyoming, and nobody wanted me, but Great Falls, had a sober living here, and it was called booth plunder Lodge. And that place helped me tremendously. And and through that going there, we had to go to outpatient, intensive outpatient, and that was another resource to help me. And then once I graduate intensive outpatient, I went to outpatient. So I did, like three treatments right in a row. Us staying at a halfway house, and at the halfway house like I lived on the, on the, on the streets for for a number of years, homeless. You know, before I got clean, it's over. And so when I went to the halfway house, they helped me, like, I had to make my bed. I didn't have a bed for a long time. So, you know, I mean, so I had to learn how to not learn. Well, I guess, I guess you could say learn, because when you're out there and you just give up on life, you don't have a whole lot of responsibilities, you know. I mean, you're just trying to survive a day by day. Get your fix, get your drink, you know, by any means necessary, you know. And so that's that halfway house, Booth, Thunder Lodge. It also it showed me how to like, take care of myself again, clean my room, make my bed, cook dinner for the fellas once a week, clean the house. Budget money. Have have a budget. Get up and go to work, find a job. You know, all these things that normally, that we do naturally if we're not using, but when you're after using, those are the things that you don't really, if you're a real addict or real alcoholic, you don't, you don't do those kind of skills, you know. So it, I had to relearn a lot of stuff in that halfway house, which was sounds today, it just sounds far fetched from where I was. You know, it was dirt 13 and a half years. So we're clean now. So it's just so far fetched where I started to where I'm at today. But I had to relearn a lot of things in that beginning of my recovery.

Sarah Byrnes: 17:42

Well, I mean, that's amazing. You just said you just graduated on Saturday, so going from relearning kind of those daily tasks to to really making that accomplishment happen, that's amazing. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, absolutely I Yeah. The older I get, the more I understand, like there's a lot going into all the things that we do on a daily basis, basis. So, yeah, that's amazing,

Calvin Gone: 18:10

yeah, yeah. So I just, I'm just prolonging my life. Yeah, I'm 48 now. It's just crazy. I'm doing everything backwards, which is crazy or profound, I guess, because it's like, you know, I mean, I, I feel like, if I would have just, uh, dealt with my issues in the beginning when I was younger and had that mindset, you know, maybe I, maybe I, who knows where I be right now at 48 but I think sometimes we just go through life. We have to go through the things we have to go through to get us where we're at today, you know, yes, and, and I don't know, just it was a I, you know, it was tough in my addiction, you know. And I'm just thankful I survived, and I'm able to come out of there and help others now, and I try to do my best to be part of the community and help wherever I can. And

Sarah Byrnes: 19:11

It sounds like it ultimately gave you another purpose, another kind of goal for your life. So, oh yeah. Can talk about the thing, the blessings that come out of it,

Calvin Gone: 19:24

oh yeah, a lot of blessings. It's hard work, but it's worthwhile. I mean, the longer I'm in recovery, the more that I lose people, you know, because, I mean, I meet some really amazing people in recovery, and sometimes they're on fire, and they go good for a while, then they just slip, you know, and sometimes they make it back, and sometimes they don't, and that hurts the most when they don't make it back, you know. And that's, uh, you know, it's sad. And today, you know, I have feelings. I can feel today, you. I guess that's a blessing too, but it's your time. It it's it hurts and it's sad when you lose really good people that you know that, jeez, probably could add so much potential.

Sarah Byrnes: 20:11

Yeah, that's gotta be tough. Yeah. Are there? Are there any supports in place for some people who work in Recovery Services dealing with those kind of tough, emotional

Calvin Gone: 20:22

well, yeah, counseling, I guess you had to reach out. You know, I have a few counselor friends here that I I do reach out to when I need someone to talk to. But also being graduating from the program here at MSU, Great Falls College, substance abuse counseling, once we become counselors, we definitely should have a counselor helping us, you know, right? So, so that's another big thing, like, because this is not an ending journey, like you just don't get clean and sober and then you're done and life's gonna get better. It's not like that. It's sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, especially early in recovery, because you done so much damage. I mean, there was so much damage that has been done that you have to go and clear, clear away the wreckage. And sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but as long as you stay the course, you know, life does get better. It has its ups and downs. It's not always going to be happy and joyous and free. It's you know, you're going to have the sorrow times, the sadness, the loneliness and all that. It goes both ways. It's a balance, you know. You can't have the good without the bad, you know. And it's always a balancing thing, you know. And that's one thing I had to learn early on in my recovery. Is that just because sometimes we have, when I got clean, I thought, oh, everything's going to be so much better, and all this and that, but yet life still happens, and life's unfair. You know, life's really unfair, but the services that did help me get where I'm at, instilled in some instilled tools in me and skills that I use today to navigate through the hard times in life, and not only that, like even the good times in life, because I'm an addict, I'm an alcoholic, so I sometimes get amnesia, You know, I forget combat, you know. And that's, you know, and that's, that's just the truth, you know. And and I always have to be mindful if life's going so good that I can't just not get up and pray, or not get up and call my sponsor, or not get up and and say, well, I'll just do that later, you know. And then it could be a slippery slope, because you forget, forgetting what got you here, the actions that you took to get where you're at. And I guess that's what I'm saying by amnesia, you know, when it gets good? You know it does life does get good at times.

Sarah Byrnes: 22:56

Yeah, I definitely understand what you were saying about kind of just like blocking it out the the bad so that you don't have to think about it. So and I'm glad that they have, you have supports, especially with that counseling degree to help go through. I mean that just sounds like a really tough situation when you're helping people and you really connect with them,

Calvin Gone: 23:19

also, like, early on, early on in my recovery. Like therapy was the best. It was the key. Like they had a therapist for almost 10 years, you know. And then I, then I went away for a little bit, but I came back, and I have a therapist in town that if I call this therapist, she'll see me whenever she gets chance, if she has time, you know, and then, and there was this, like so many awesome people out there that they actually helped me get started in this, in this journey. And I can't name them, but I was like, I wish I could name them all, but so many people have been part of my journey that, you know, I'm thankful for, for them. And the Creator always has a he has a way of putting people in your path at the right time, right moment, to guide you whether it's good or whether you're having a bad time or a good time. You know there's he has a has ways to put people on your path, to to guide you along and to help you learn. And that's one thing I always have to remember, is, I have to remember to remain teachable. You know, can't never say I got this thing, because once you do that, then that's, that's probably that could be the beginning of your downfall.

Sarah Byrnes: 24:34

I could definitely relate to that, like just the overconfidence, and then delay down from there. So,

Calvin Gone: 24:43

yeah, my dad, my dad, and then he, he passed away. It'll be five years on May 30, but I would call him, and I would call him and say, Oh, dad, you know what I'm doing. This over here. I'm. Doing this and that and that and and he would always, never failed. He always said, don't get grandiose, son. You know, it's like, I'm telling all this good stuff. But then he's like, my head, you know, like, don't get grandiose. So now, like, since it's not here, but I could still, like, hear him in my head.

Sarah Byrnes: 25:18

Yeah, it sounds like you've made that into a powerful tool for yourself. So that's, oh yeah, yeah. Well, thank you. I really, we really appreciate you doing this with us, and, yeah, being willing to sit down with us and talk and tell your story, and kind of all those, all those things you mentioned, like being so impacted by someone else with lived experience, and being that inspiration for someone else, hopefully so we appreciate it. Thank you. You're welcome.

Calvin Gone: 25:44

Appreciate it. Appreciate the opportunity. Yeah.